Book of songfics: Law and Order SVU
by Bambers Gray
Summary: Continued from chapter two far away. Song is Wait for me by Flaw. Elliot leaves the SVU squad hoping it will help him deal with Olivia leaving.
1. Chapter 1:Numb

_**Disclaimer: I don't own law and order SVU nor do I own any of the bands or songs. **_

**_A/N: I have a few songs I plan on writing songfic's with and they will all be posted under this story thingy. That way I won't have to post a new story every time I post a new one. Anyways I hope you enjoy them! _**

_**Linkinpark- Numb**_

Lizzie sat on her bed crying, she couldn't understand why her dad was so mad. She done the best she could to please him but it seemed like nothing she done was going to make him happy. He expected so much from her.

He wanted her to be just like him, and alls she wanted to be is her self. She wanted to make mistakes in life and learn from them. She wanted to live her life the way she wanted to.

_I'm tired of being what you want me to be_

_Feeling so faithless_

_Lost under the surface_

_I don't know what you're expecting of me_

_Put under the pressure_

_Of walking in your shoes_

_Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow_

_Every step that I take is another mistake to you_

_Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow_

What made him so perfect anyways? He was never at home to help her with her homework, or for her to talk to. He was always at work. It was like his work was more important to him than his family.

Even when he was at home he was always fussing about her grades, She was trying her best and he didn't even notice. Alls he noticed was the times she failed; he never noticed when she made an A on her history test. Alls he noticed was the D in math.

It wasn't her fault she didn't understand it. She tried everything to get it. She even stayed after school so her teacher could try to help her. She still couldn't get it

_I've_

_Become so numb_

_I can't feel you there_

_Become so tired_

_So much more aware_

_I'm becoming this_

_All I want to do_

_Is be more like me_

_And be less like you_

He was always accusing her of doing drugs and drinking just because one of her friends got busted for drugs. After that he started reading her e-mail's, smelling her cloths and breath every time she came in from hanging out with friends. He didn't trust that she knew right from wrong and was able to say no.

She heard a knock on her bedroom door.

"Go away!" She called out knowing exactly who it was.

"Honey please can I come in? We need to talk?"

"About what how I'm not perfect or about the fact that I can't be like you."

_Can't you see that you're smothering me_

_Holding too tightly_

_Afraid to lose control_

_'Cause everything that you thought I would be_

_Has fallen apart right in front of you_

_Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow_

_Every step that I take is_

_Another mistake to you_

_Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow_

_And every second I waste_

_Is more than I can take_

He opened the door and walked in shutting the door behind him.

"I don't expect you to be perfect."

He sat on the edge of the bed.

"Oh yeah dad, Then how come you expect me to make straight A's and how come you expect me to never make any mistakes I'm only human dad. I can only do so much. I tried to make good grades in math I even stayed after school so my teacher could help me. But you wouldn't know that would you because you're always at work. You're never at home when I need help with my homework, and mom sucks at math. Your never home when I need someone to talk to. Your job is more important to you than we will ever be. I don't expect you to quit your job or be superman and be in two places at once alls I want you to do is be my dad once in a while"

_I've_

_Become so numb_

_I can't feel you there_

_Become so tired_

_So much more aware_

_I'm becoming this_

_All I want to do_

_Is be more like me_

_And be less like you_

_And I know_

_I may end up failing too_

_But I know_

_You were just like me_

_With someone disappointed in you_

His daughter's word hurt him. He didn't mean to put so much pressure on her. He tried to be home more. But with them living in New York it wasn't easy. He didn't know when someone was going to be raped. He let his job get in the way of being there for his children.

"I love you so much daddy, and I'm proud that you're out there locking up rapist. But even on your days off you're called into work"

He hugged his daughter.

"I'm sorry baby"

Alls he wanted to do was protect his children from the outside world. But he was spending all his time trying to protect them and not spending anytime with them

He kissed her on her forehead and rocked her till she clamed down.

"I promise I'll spend more time with you, and less time on the job. I love you baby girl!"

_I've_

_Become so numb_

_I can't feel you there_

_Become so tired_

_So much more aware_

_I'm becoming this_

_All I want to do_

_Is be more like me_

_And be less like you_

_I've_

_Become so numb_

_I can't feel you there_

_tired of being what you want me to be_

_I've_

_Become so numb_

_I can't feel you there_

_tired of being what you want me to be_


	2. Chapter 2:Far away

_**Disclaimer: I don't own them**_

**_A/N: I keep getting stuck on Crys for help and its getting kinda annoying. So I decided to write another song fic. Yippee! But anyway its post fault enjoy!_**

_**Nickleback- Far away**_

Elliot looked down at the city from the top of the precinct; The city was silent a few people walked past every now and then but other than that the streets were empty. Alls he could think about was Ryan, and how his bad choice cost him his life.

She didn't need him, Ryan did. He kept replaying the whole thing in his mind over and over. The way Ryan looked at him before he was carried away, the fear and sadness in his eyes.

Tears began to fall down his face. He knew the risk he was taken when he made it. He knew that if he chose Olivia it could cost the life of both the children. He knew that if he chose her one of them would die before he could save them.

_This time, This place_

_Misused, Mistakes_

_Too long, Too late_

_Who was I to make you wait_

_Just one chance_

_Just one breath_

_Just in case there's just one left_

'_Cause you know,_

_you know, you know_

His feelings for Olivia were to strong. He knew from the first day he saw her that he would fall for her. He knew that one day this would happen.

He heard the door the lead to the roof open. He glanced back and saw Olivia walking towards him. He looked down at the city one last time before he turned to her.

Her face was full of sadness and guilt. He hated the fact that he was the reason she was that way. He snapped at her blaming her for Ryan's death when it was his fault Ryan had died not hers.

_That I love you_

_I have loved you all along_

_And I miss you_

_Been far away for far too long_

_I keep dreaming you'll be with me_

_and you'll never go_

_Stop breathing if_

_I don't see you anymore_

She took a couple more steps toward him then stopped. She glanced up at him for only a second then continued looking at the ground. He searched for something to say to her anything that would make her pain go away.

"Olivia…I'm"

"I asked to switch partners; you were right when you said we couldn't be partners."

He thought back to what he said, He never said they needed to switch partners. He just told her that if they chose each other over the job again they would have to switch.

"Olivia."

"No Elliot it's time. We care about each other to much for us to be partners………… or even friends." She turned around and started to walk away.

_On my knees, I'll ask_

_Last chance for one last dance_

'_Cause with you, I'd withstand_

_All of hell to hold your hand_

_I'd give it all_

_I'd give for us_

_Give anything but I won't give up_

'_Cause you know,_

_you know, you know_

Elliot walked up to her grabbing her arm to stop her. She turned around still not looking into his eyes. She couldn't stand seeing him hurt, especially since she was the one who hurt him.

Everything she done lead up to this. She let her self get to close to him. Too close for them to be partners or friends. She had feelings for him, Feelings that she always feared.

It was too much; she couldn't trust her self to be with him or anyone else for that matter. She knew she would end up getting hurt or hurting them. This time she had done both.

Tears fail down her soft cheeks, hitting the ground below her. She knew she made the biggest mistake of her life by fallen for him. Out of all the men in the world she could fall for. Why him? Why her partner?

"Olivia please don't do this?"

He pleaded; He didn't want to lose her not as a friend or a partner. She was all he had left, hell she was the only reason he came to work. She was the only thing holding him together.

_That I love you_

_I have loved you all along_

_And I miss you_

_Been far away for far too long_

_I keep dreaming you'll be with me_

_and you'll never go_

_Stop breathing if_

_I don't see you anymore_

She closed her eyes tightly trying to resist the urge to take it all back. She glanced up at him, noticing the pain and sadness she had left in his eyes.

He wiped away her tears with his thumb and put his forehead to hers. She wanted to take his pain away and tell him she didn't mean it. She wanted to tell him how much she really loved him but she couldn't not now or ever.

_So far away So far away_

_Been far away for far too long_

_So far away So far away_

_Been far away for far too long_

_But you know, you know, you know_

"I love you so much Olivia please don't leave me."

He never wanted to let her go; He wanted to be with her the rest of his life. More tears fail down her face his word stinging to her like a thousand needles.

He rubbed the side of her face. She reached up grabbing his hand from her face.

He leaned forward and kissed her hoping that she would change her mind about everything. About switching partners, about not being friends with him, so they could be together forever.

_I wanted_

_I wanted you to stay_

'_Cause I needed_

_I need to hear you say_

_That I love you_

_I have loved you all along_

_And I forgive you_

_For being away for far too long_

_So keep breathing_

'_Cause I'm not leaving anymore_

_Hold on to me and_

_never let me go_

She let go of his hand and took a couple steps back. She knew they could never be together. She tried not to show how hurt she really was. She didn't want to leave him, She never meant to hurt him but she couldn't be his partner or his friend.

He was able to see things about her that no one else could. He knew secrets that she never thought about telling anyone else. He knew her better than she knew her self.

"I'm sorry Elliot"

She turned and walked away leaving her broken hearted partner behind her. Knowing she will never love any one as much as she loved him.


	3. Chapter 3:Shut up and smile

_**Disclaimer: I don't own L&O: SVU nor do I own the song**_

**_A/N: Me and my cousin use to listen to this song the few times we got drunk together. Oh and it may or may not make sense I'm not sure at this point! _**

_**Bowling for soup- Shut up and smile**_

Elliot sat down beside Olivia handing her another beer from the cooler. Olivia threw her arms around him and kissed him on the cheek.

"I love you so much Elliot!"

Elliot laughed at how drunk she was. "Yeah at this point you love everyone Liv."

"Not exactly well maybe so but that doesn't change the fact that I love you the mostest!"

John walked up and sat down beside them, who was also drunk off his ass.

"How's the car coming?"

John handed him and hand full of wires that use to be connected to the car. Elliot shook his head laughing.

"John we had a flat tire why are you ripping wires out from under the hood?"

"Fin did it but its ok I don't think we needed them anyways!"

Elliot laughed feeling a bit tipsy himself.

"Well I guess were camping here for the night?"

_Its not the end of the world  
In fact its not even the end of the summer  
But thank god the tv is on  
Cuz theres no way we could know  
Anything that's goin down  
Or how were supposed to be feeling about it  
I cant tell you how much I wish we could shut up and smile, yeah_

Fin came around the car with another hand full of wires that also came from the car.

"The cars fixed!" He laughed.

"Yeah were defiantly camping out here for tonight."

Fin looked at the wires and threw them in the field behind him.

"Where are we going to sleep though?" Olivia whined

"On the ground," Elliot said sarcastically

"Nope, nope, nope that just will not do"

Olivia stood up and fail back down on top of Elliot

_Sail around the world and tell them all to keep singing it  
la la la la la la  
all we needs a harmony and we'll convince the world to sing  
la la la la la la  
throw your arms around someone (throw your arms around someone)  
maybe spread a little love  
I know it sounds a little dumb (or maybe I'm a little drunk)  
But all we need is some ice cream and a hug_

_  
_"Well princess do you have any other ideas!" John said attempting to get up off the ground.

"Yes I do!"

"What?"

"We'll sleep in the car."

"How bout this you sleep in the car and we'll sleep in the field?" Fin said trying to climb over the wooden fence.

"Now why would you want to do that?"

"Because I'm wasted and I really don't feel like being in a small ass car with three other drunks."

Elliot stood up and attempted to help Olivia up off the ground.

_Take a good look around  
Does life really suck  
Are we just complaining  
I hope that this mic is on (testing 1, 2)  
Cuz im on a roll here  
I hope this is making some sense  
I hope that you'll throw up your hands and sing it  
And tell all the haters that they should just shut up and smile, yeah_

"But I don't want to sleep by my self some one might get me!" Olivia complained as her three friends climbed over the fence.

"Trust me you have nothing to worry about." John said falling off the fence hitting the ground on the other side.

"And why is that?"

"Because knowing our luck they would bring you back after five minutes!"

Olivia looked at John like she could kill him and attempted to climb over the fence. Falling three times before Elliot helped her over.

They walked over to the middle of the field and laid down.

_Sail around the world and tell them all to keep singing it  
la la la la la la  
all we needs a harmony and we'll convince the world to sing  
la la la la la la  
throw your arms around someone (throw your arms around someone)  
maybe spread a little love  
I know it sounds a little dumb (or maybe I'm a little drunk)  
But all we need is some ice cream _

"We need a fire!" Olvia demanded

"Liv were all drunk I don't think it's safe to light a fire" Elliot said sitting up..

"Then how will I keep warm?"

"John could keep you warm!" Elliot said

John and fin laughed Olivia sat up and slapped Elliot's arm.

_  
All we need is love and beer  
And old school metal and holiday cheer  
TO be happy  
(All you need is someone near)  
like ben and jerry  
(to hold you close and pretend that they care_

"Are we just going to sit here and be board!"

"Well you could always strip!" Fin winked at her.

"Fine I will!"

Elliot grabbed Olivia's shirt pulling her back down beside him.

"Liv he was almost joking"

"Oh"

_can we all just, get along now  
we found something that we all have in common now  
we can hold hands, do keg stands  
water skiing sounds great to me now_

Elliot laid back down and looked at the stars.

"you know there a lot prettier when your wasted!"

Olivia laid down beside Elliot laying her head on his chest, he wrapped his arm around her and kissed her on top of her head.

"You better not puke on me." Elliot said trying his best not to do anything to make he puke.

_Sail around the world and tell them all to keep singing it  
la la la la la la  
all we needs a harmony and we'll convince the world to sing  
la la la la la la  
throw your arms around someone (throw your arms around someone)  
maybe spread a little love  
I know it sounds a little dumb (or maybe we're a little drunk)  
But all we need is some ice cream and a hug_

They all passed out.

When they woke up they were all half naked laying in the middle of a field not being able to remember what happened the night before, and they all had killer head aches.

They stood up and walked over to the car noticing the wires all over the ground.

"How wasted was we?" John said trying to figure out exactly what happened to the car.

"I don't know" Olivia said glancing over at Elliot. Not wanting to know what happened

(Chanting "All we need is love and beer")  
all we need is some ice cream and a hug  
all we need is some ice cream and a hug  
all we need is some ice cream and a hug


	4. Chapter 4:Untitled

_**Disclaimer: I don't own them**_

_**A/N: Sorry to everyone that gets mad at me for this fic **_

_**Simple plan-Untitled**_

Olivia stopped at a red light. She was coming from Elliot's she went over there to see if he was alright. Every since Kathy left him he started to make his self more distant from every one including her. She couldn't stand to see him in pain. He was he best friend.

He was always there when she needed him, He was kind of like the big brother she never had. The type that was always trying to protect you and threatening to throw you boy friends in jail if they hurt you.

She smiled at the memory of her first day at the squad. It was torture everyone was picking on her for being the only female working their. The light turned green and Olivia started to drive she was only a few blocks away from her house.

A truck ran a red light ramming her on the driver side. Her life flashed before her eyes. The pain was unbearable; it felt as if she fail off a two story building hitting the concrete road below her.

_I open my eyes  
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light  
I can't remember how  
I can't remember why  
I'm lying here tonight_

And I can't stand the pain  
And I can't make it go away  
No I can't stand the pain  


She didn't know what happened the only thing she remembered was seeing head lights. A fire truck, two ambulances and four cops arrived; two paramedics rushed to Olivia's car and tried to open the door but it was jammed.

One of the paramedics reached in threw the window putting a neck brace on her. "We need a saw" The paramedic yelled to one of the fire men. The fire man ran over to her car, and covered her up with his coat. They started to saw the door off.

Crowds of people started gathering behind the police tape trying to see what was going on. The cops had the driver of the truck sitting on the ground giving him a breathalyzer.

He was three times over the limit; the cop lifted him up slamming him against the car.

_How could this happen to me  
I made my mistakes  
I've got no where to run  
The night goes on  
As I'm fading away  
I'm sick of this life  
I just wanna scream  
How could this happen to me_

Everybody's screaming  
I try to make a sound but no one hears me  
I'm slipping off the edge  
I'm hanging by a thread  
I wanna start this over again

The fire fighter finally got the car door off the loaded her on to a back board and laid it on the ground. They started taking her vitals. She tired to open her eyes but she couldn't. She heard the paramedics screaming out her vitals to each other.

"We have to get her to the hospital or were going to lose her" They loaded her up on the stretcher, and put her in the back of the ambulance. She could feel her life fading away with each second that passed.

She started thinking about her co-workers and her boss. How they were always trying to protect her from every thing they possibly could?

_So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered  
And I can't explain what happened  
And I can't erase the things that I've done  
No I can't_

How could this happen to me  
I made my mistakes  
I've got no where to run  
The night goes on  
As I'm fading away  
I'm sick of this life  
I just wanna scream  
How could this happen to me

She started thinking about all the mornings she came in to Munch and Fin arguing over something childish. She remembered the time Cragen tried to take her off a case because the perp had it out for her, and how Elliot could make her laugh no matter what was wrong with her.

A single tear fall down her face, then she flat lined.

"Were losing her" the paramedic yelled up front to the driver

He started doing CPR trying his best to bring her back. They pulled up to the hospital but by then it was too late.

_I made my mistakes  
I've got no where to run  
The night goes on  
As I'm fading away  
I'm sick of this life  
I just wanna scream  
How could this happen to me_

All her co-worker, close friends, and family gathered at her funeral mourning her death, and remembering the sweetest person they knew and loved died because someone made one stupid mistake that cost her her life


	5. Chapter 5:Count on me

Elliot sat at his desk looking over at his partner. Her eyes were red from crying and were filled with sadness and pain. She wouldn't tell him what was wrong, every time he asked she said nothing and continued to work.

He hated seeing her this way. Especially when she wouldn't tell him why she was upset, they had been partners and best friends for almost eight years. He didn't understand why she tried to hide things from him. He always found out sooner or later.

But this time was different than all the other times. She didn't attempt to hide her tears from him or anyone else their. Usually she would fight like hell to keep them inside or go hide in the girls bathroom but this time she was doing it for every one to see.

_I know that life ain't always good to you.  
I've seen exactly what it's put you through  
Thrown you around and turned you upside down and so you  
You got to thinking there was no way out  
You started sinking and it pulled you down  
It may be tough you've to get back up  
Because you know that life ain't over yet  
I'm here for you so don't forget  
You can count on me  
Cause' I will carry you till you  
Carry on_

She has been through so much in the last eight years, things that nobody should have to be put through in their lifetime. She has seen things that nobody should have to see. But she never gave up, She never stopped fighting to make her life better.

Cragen even tried to get her to talk to him, but she refused just like she done him and everyone else that was there. He couldn't stand seeing her in pain. He loved her more than her ever loved anyone else accept for his kids.

Elliot stood up and walked over to her desk. He didn't know what he was going to say or how but he knew he needed to get her to talk to him one way or another. She kept her eyes on her paper work she knew he was standing there but she also knew he was going to try to get her to talk and she wasn't ready for him or anyone else to know what was wrong.

_Anytime you need someone  
Somebody strong to lean on  
Well you can count on me  
To hold you till the healing is done  
And every time you fall apart  
Well you can hide here in my arms  
And you can count on me  
To hold you till that feeling is gone_

"Liv, Can we talk?"

She glanced up at him, She didn't want to talk she just wanted to be left alone. No one would understand. She hadn't even told him she was dating anyone yet, and she wasn't ready to tell him that he hit her.

For the first time since she became a cop she felt helpless, She had no clue why she wasn't able to fight back. She fraught back when a perp swung at her what made him any different.

He was so sweet and understanding at first. He would bring he roses for no reason at all and always be there for her to talk to when she was having a hard time dealing with a case. But last night he changed.

He said something about not liking Elliot. She told him that no one would come between their friendship, and he just went off. He slapped her then choked her. She had to wear a turtle neck and more make up then she ever wore before just to cover the bruises.

_I wonder why nobody's waiting on you  
I'd like to be the one to pull you through your darkest times  
I'd love to be the light that finds you  
I see a silver lining on your cloud  
I'll pick you up whenever you fall down  
Just take my hand and I will help you stand_

She couldn't tell Elliot what happened he would flip. He couldn't stand any one disrespecting her at work much less someone hitting her at home. She knew he would beat the hell out of him if she told, that's just how he was.

She also knew he would be mad at her for not telling him she was dating someone, and even madder that she didn't tell him he hit her the second it happened. She couldn't stand for him to be mad at her.

"Liv!"

He said again trying his best to get her to talk to him. He knew she has been hiding something from him for sometime now, But now it was causing her to cry. He needed to get it out of her as soon as possible.

"Yeah?"

"Can we talk?"

"Elliot I just want to be left alone."

"Please it won't take long."

She nodded and followed him upstairs; she knew exactly what he wanted to talk about. She was worried that he would get it out of her. He knew how to get her to talk, and she knew he was going to get her to talk this time as well.

_Because you know that life ain't over yet  
I'm here for you so don't forget  
You can count on me  
Cause' I will carry you till you carry on  
Anytime you need someone  
Somebody strong to lean on  
Well you can count on me to hold you till the healing is done  
And every time you fall apart you can hide here in my arms  
And you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is  
Gone so you can live today  
Seems so long to yesterday  
Keep on counting on me to carry you till you carry on  
Carry on_

"Liv, Please tell me what's wrong?"

"Nothing!"

"Olivia I've known you for eight years and I've never seen you this upset over anything. I'm worried about you Liv! You usually tell me when something is bothering you, and you've never cried in front of that many people before unless something was really wrong!"

He walked up to her and rubbed her shoulder, thinking if he made her feel safe that she would talk to him. She looked down not wanting to look into his eyes that made her want to tell him.

He put his hand on the side of her face and lifted it up to where she was looking into his eyes. He wanted her to see how much he cared about her. He used his thumb to wipe her tears away.

She reached up and held his hand. He put his forehead to hers. Next thing she knew she was kissing him. She felt so safe when she was with him, like nothing in the world could huet her.

"I love you Liv!"

"I love you too."

"Please tell me what's wrong?"

She took a couple steps back and nodded.

_You know that life ain't over yet  
I'm here for you so don't forget  
You can count on me cause I will carry you till you carry on_

"Do you remember Jake Matthews from the Harrison case?"

"Yeah!"

"Well we've been dating for the last two months and last night he said something about me being your partner and how he didn't like it, I told him that you were here before he was and would still be here long after he was gone and he flipped out. He threw me against the wall slapped me then started choking me. My mind went blank I didn't even fight back."

Elliot hugged her, until she calmed down. "Why don't you stay with me tonight?"

They both headed back down to the squad room. For the first time today Olivia was smiling. Munch walked to the bottom of the steps when he saw them come out they both expected for him to say something about them making out or something.

"Jake from the Harrison case is here to see you he's talking with Cragen now!"

Elliot ran into Cragen's office and jerked him out of the chair and threw him in the wall and started punching him. It took Fin, Munch and Cragen to pull him off of him.

'Elliot you better have a good explanation for what you just done?"

"He does!" Olivia said from the back "He hit me!"

When she said that all of them wanted to the same thing Elliot done including Cragen.

"I advise you to get the hell out of here or you will be leaving here in a body bag!"

Cragen said trying to keep from hitting him Jake got up and ran out of the building. Everyone gave Olivia a hug. She didn't know why she hesitated from telling them. They were her family she knew hey would understand no matter what she had to tell them.

_  
Anytime you need someone  
Somebody strong to lean on  
Well you can count on me to hold you till that healing is done  
And every time you fall apart  
You can hide here in my arms  
And you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is gone  
Remember life ain't over yet  
I'm here for you so don't forget  
That you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is gone  
Remember life ain't over yet  
I'm here for you so don't forget  
That you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is gone_


	6. Chapter 6:My immortal

_**Disclaimer: I don't own them I just play around with them a bit**_

_**A/N: I'm sorry I keep killing Olivia I really am. The whole idea was to kill off both of them but I knew there would be fifty million people hiring contract killers to kill me! Just kidding well half way but anyways Evanescence is my most favorite band of all time! I love every song they have ever writing and sung in their the best and it was making me mad that I hadn't written a songfic with them so I finally got an idea for one and I just had to write it! Hope you all enjoyed it even though I killed off Olivia for the second time!**_

**_Evanescence- My immortal_**

He replayed the words over and over in his head but still couldn't believe that she was gone. He looked down at his hands her blood still stained them as his heart ached for her. It didn't seem possible that the person that he'd been partners with and best friends with could be gone forever.

He sat down it the chair behind him feeling light headed and weak. Tears fail silently down his face as her glanced into the room that just a few moments ago his partner was fighting for her life in.

They wouldn't let him be there for her, they shoved him out of the room just as quickly as they rushed her in, but now alls that was there was his partner's body covered with a white sheet.

He should've done something more, anything that would've gave her a better chance for living. He wasn't by her side to protect her from him. He wasn't there to stop him from cutting her throat just as he did Ryan's seconds later.

_I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone_

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

His heart ached to hold her once more, to tell her how much he loved her, words that he will never have another chance to say. He would never see her smile ever again, the one thing that could pull him out of his depression.

He would never be able to beat up on a perp because he said something out of line to her. She was all he had anymore since Kathy left with the kids and now she was gone to. He failed her just like he failed his wife and kids.

She lost her life because he failed to protect her just like he failed to get to her in enough time to stop the blood from exiting her neck. He failed everyone he ever loved; all he ever did was hurt them in the worst way possible.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me_

Every bit of happiness he had left, left with her. He tried to stand but his legs wouldn't let him. His legs wouldn't let him leave her not now or ever. His love for her was too strong to just leave unspoken.

He stood up and walked into the room where her body laid peacefully on the cold metal bench. He pulled the sheet down off her face. He pushed her hair out of her face remember how she use to hate it.

His tears fail on to her face as her searched for the words he needed to say. She deserved so much better than him as a partner and as a friend. He hurt her so many times over stupid stuff.

He had no right to hurt her, she'd been hurt by her family, by her own mother. He should've been the last person to ever make her feel anything but happy. He gently touched her cheek that use to be filled with warmth was now so cold it stung his hand to touch it but he didn't move it.

_You used to captivate me  
By your resonating light  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts  
My once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away  
All the sanity in me_

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase  
_

"Olivia I'm…I'm so sorry that I hurt you all those times, when all along I was only angry at myself."

His bottom lip quivered as tears started to fall more quickly. Her face was pail and lifeless. It hurt his so much to see her like that. To see how much he truly failed her but he deserved to see it.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you or to keep you from fading so quickly. I'm sorry that I wasn't the partner or friend you deserved. You deserved so much better than me. I never got to tell you…."

He felt his legs and hands start to shake but he had to tell her he couldn't fail her again.

"I never got to tell you how much I loved you, I love you so much, you were the only reason I kept going after Kathy took the kids. Just seeing you made me smile, When I couldn't sleep at night I felt myself reaching for the phone just so I could hear your voice. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to fail you so miserably."

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase_

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me_

"I knew from the first day I saw you that I would fall in love with you. I knew that in the end you would be the person I would want to be with. I love you more than anyone could ever imagine."

He kissed her gently on her forehead, then wiped his tears off her face. He turned and walked out leaving the only reason for living behind him. The ride home about killed him,

He kept wanting to turn around and go back to the hospital to be with her even though she was gone and only her body laid there. It felt like someone ripped his heart and threw it off a cliff with a stick of dynamite attached to it.

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along  
_

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me_

When he got home he fail on his bed, he looked over at his night stand and saw a picture of Olivia and the kids at the last company picnic. He picked it up and held it tightly to his chest.

If it wasn't for his kids he would be sitting the bathroom slitting his wrist at that moment. But he didn't want to hurt them just as much as he did Olivia. He cried all through the nigh remembering all the times she saved him.


	7. Chapter 7:Iris

**_A/N: This is my first EO fic where I didn't kill one of them off or just have them hug or kiss. Hope you all enjoy! Please review and let me know what yall think so I know wither to write more like it!_**

Olivia came in from the kitchen with two beers and sat down beside her partner on his couch. She handed Elliot the beer then opened her own and took a drink. Elliot smiled at her as he took a drink of his and sat it down on the coffee table. They had just won a tough case and they needed to celebrate. She glanced over at him and smiled she never realized how beautiful his eyes were. Even though he looked tough and acted even tougher his eyes were kind and gentle. She loved to win cases, not only because they locked another bad guy away but because it meant that her and Elliot was still close.

Elliot already had his shirt off and slung it on the floor. He usually waited till after his first beer but it was the middle of summer and was a hundred degrees out side. She never thought of him as anything else but a friend, but tonight was different. Tonight alls she could think about was how much she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. She took another drink of her beer trying her best not to let her feelings show but he saw right threw her.

He knew her better than she knew her self. He could tell what she was feeling, and what she was thinking just by the look in her eyes. He glanced down at his hand thinking about what to do. The main reason him and his wife got a divorce is because she saw how much he loved her. She saw threw the she's my partner look he gave her every time she brought it up.

She saw right threw the lies and saw how he really felt before he did. She told him that she understood why he would fall for her. He spent more time at work than he did anything else he was hardly at home to spend time with her and the kids. He was always with Olivia and it wasn't his fault it was hers. She was the one pressuring him to getting a higher paying job when they had the twins.

So he did and after a few years his partner retired and he got a new one, Olivia. She didn't blame him she blamed her self. Elliot looked over at Olivia she was fiddling around with her fingers. He could tell she was just as nervous as he was if not more.

_And I'd give up forever to touch you  
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now_

He reached over and touched Olivia's cheek to get her attention. She couldn't help but to smile. She looked over at him, He smiled at her as he stood up.

"Do you want another beer?"

"Now Elliot, Are you trying to get me drunk?" She said playfully trying to life the awkwardness that surrounded them.

He grinned and winked at her. "Maybe!"

"Just one more I still have to drive home you know."

Elliot walked into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator and grabbed two more beers. He didn't want her to go home, he wanted her to stay there with him. he shut the fridge door and walked to the door way of the living room. He watched he fiddle around with her hands. He couldn't help but to smile. This was the first time he seen her nervous about anything other than getting served for court. He didn't know wither or not her being nervous was a good thing or a bad thing.

He walked into the living room and sat down beside her on the couch, a little closer than he was before. He handed her the beer and smiled as she attempted to open it. Her hands were shaking and sweaty. He laughed at her frustration.

"Need help?"

"No!"

He opened his beer and watched as she fought to get hers open. He took a drink and sat it on the coffee table then grabbed hers and opened it. He handed it back to her and watched as she drunk half the bottle with one drink. She sat it down and leaned against the back of the couch. She laughed at the fact she was so nervous that she couldn't even get her beer open. She laid her head on his shoulder like she always done during their little celebrations.

She done it when she was about to go home or about to pass out but this time she done it for a different reason. She done it because she wanted him to hold her in him arms. She wanted to feel loved by him, or at least liked more than partners or friends. He wrapped his arm around her and rested it on her waist. He looked at her face for signs that she was uncomfortable with his jester. She slipped her shoes off and put her legs on the couch. She wrapped her arm around his waist and rested her head on his chest.

_And all I can taste is this moment  
And all I can breathe is your life  
'Cause sooner or later it's over  
I just don't want to miss you tonight_

They were both amazed by how comfortable they felt with each other. Elliot gently rubbed her side with his fingers and kissed the top of her head. Elliot took his other hand and lifted her head up to his. He rubbed the side of her face and pressed his forehead to her. They both closed their eyes.

"Should we be doing this?" Olivia whispered not knowing if she really wanted an answer.

"Probably not, do you want to stop?" He said concerned.

He was worried that he made her feel uncomfortable. The last thing he wanted to do was make her feel uncomfortable around him. He didn't want to risk losing her even if that meant that they could only be friends. He rubbed her cheek with his thumb as he waited for her to answer. She pressed her lips to his as she rubbed her hand up his chest to his neck. She felt overwhelmed, like this was her first time ever kissing anyone but it wasn't it was just the first time she ever kissed anyone that she actually loved.

A single tear fail down her face out of happiness. They stopped kissing; Elliot wiped the tear off her face with his thumb. He felt bad, He felt like he upset her somehow, or hurt her one of the two.

"I'm sorry."

He was trying to fight back his own tears. She looked up into his eyes and smiled.

"Elliot, you've done nothing to be sorry about. It wasn't because I was sad, It was because for the first time I actually care about the person I'm with."

The both smiled; Elliot rubbed his hand down her neck and down her chest to her waist. He wrapped his arm around her back and pulled her closer to him. He rubbed her back as he kissed her again this time slipping his tongue into her mouth. She took a deep breath in and let it out as she kissed him back. They both stopped and Elliot stood up. He picked her up and carried her into his bedroom and let her down in front of him. He wrapped his arms around her waist as they stood in front of each other.

_And I don't want the world to see me  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

Olivia placed her hands on his chest and kissed his neck. She looked up in to his eyes and smiled. She put her hand on his cheek as they started kissing again. She wrapped her arms around his neck. He pulled her towards him till their chest was pressed against each other. They stopped kissing and looked into each others eyes. They both smiled,

"I love you."

Olivia started to feel nervous again she didn't mean to say it. She didn't want to scare him, she just wanted to be with him.

"I love you too, I always have."

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
Or the moment of truth in your lies  
When everything feels like the movies  
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive_

Elliot pulled her shirt off, He lifted her up. She wrapped her legs around his waist and started kissing him again. He walked towards the bed and laid her down. Then climbed on top of her he rubbed her waist with his hand. He never knew he could love someone as much as he did her. He loved Kathy but he was forced into a marriage before he was ready, which is probably why his marriage didn't last. She undone his belt and unbuttoned and unzipped his pants.

He kicked them off then undone hers. He kissed her down her neck and chest. He gently pulled her pants off then climbed back on top of her. He rubbed his hands all over her body as they kissed. They finished undressing each other. Elliot lifted Olivia up and laid her head on the pillow.

_And I don't want the world to see me  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

He climbed back on top of her and rubbed the side of her face. He didn't want her to do anything she was going to regret. He kissed her neck then looked into her eyes.

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

His voice was filled with concern, He didn't want to ruin what they had by making it into something more. He didn't want to lose her, other than his kids she was all he had left. She was all he had to look forward to anymore. She understood what he meant. She was feeling the same way. She didn't want to lose him now that she knew how he felt. She smiled as tears threatened to fall.

_And I don't want the world to see me  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

"Only on one condition you have to promise me that you wont hurt me. That no matter what happens or where this leads us that you will always be there for me."

"Of course I will, nothing could keep me away from you, accept for maybe a restraining order but besides that." Olivia smiled.

"Well somehow I don't think I'll be bring a restraining order out against you, I would miss you too much."

Soon she felt him inside her and it felt better than anything she had ever felt. Her heart started race. They were no longer two people; they were one soul in two different bodies. Olivia gripped his back and wrapped her legs around him. She never felt anything like it, for the first time in her life she was in love with the person she was with and knew that they loved her just as much.

_And I don't want the world to see me  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

_I just want you to know who I am  
I just want you to know who I am  
I just want you to know who I am_

Olivia had her head on his chest along with her hand and had her leg wrapped around him. She was sleeping the best she had ever slept since before she could remember. Elliot gently rubbed her back with his finger tips. He kissed her on top of her head and intertwined their figures together. He fail asleep with the women he loved and the women he hoped to marry one day. When he was with her he didn't have anything to worry about she made his life worth living and he made hers worth living.


	8. Chapter 8:Lips of an angel

**Disclaimer: I do not own L&O SVU**

**A/N: Sorry I haven't been updating and everything a lot has been happing and I really didn't feel like writing anything. This one is really short and really messy written but its just a warm up to see if I could still write without getting stuck. But anyways here it is hope you enjoy!**

**Hinder-Lips of an angel**

Elliot sat up in his bed and rubbed his eyes. He stretched then glanced over at Olivia to make sure she was still asleep. He frowned when he thought about everything he had done to her. He hurt her more then once and now he was cheating on her with his ex-wife. He couldn't stand lying to her but he didn't want to lose her or Kathy. He loved them both with all his heart and her couldn't bare to lose either one of them.

He brushed her bangs out of her face with his fingers the kissed her on her forehead. She moved a little but didn't wake up. He walked out into the living room and got his cell phone. He walked outside and sat down on the porch swing. He dialed the number to check his voice mail. He knew who is was he didn't even see why he even checked them anymore. When the message started playing his heart sank.

"Hey El its me, I'm sorry for calling so late I hope I didn't wake Liv up. I just had to talk to you. Just so I could hear your voice. Call me back, Love you."

_honey why you calling me so late?  
It's kinda hard to talk right now Honey why are you crying is everything okay I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud Well, my girl's in the next room Sometimes I wish she was you I guess we never really moved on It's really good to hear your voice saying my name It sounds so sweet Coming from the lips of an angel Hearing those words it makes me weak And I never wanna say goodbye But girl you make it hard to be faithful With the lips of an angel_

Elliot dialed Kathy's cell phone number and waited for her to answer. He couldn't believe what he was doing. He knew what it would do to Olivia if she found out that he was cheating on her. Especially now that she was four months pregnant. Everyone in her life hurt her one way or the other and now he was doing the same thing.

He kept telling his self that he should be the last person to do this to her but that didn't stop him from sleeping with his ex-wife. Nothing would he loved her just as much as he loved Olivia. He use to justify it with the fact she was the mother of his kids but now so was Liv.

_It's funny that you're calling me tonight And yes I've dreamt of you too And does he know you're talking to me Will it start a fight No I don't think she has a clue Well my girl's in the next room Sometimes I wish she was you I guess we never really moved on It's really good to hear your voice saying my name It sounds so sweet Coming from the lips of an angel Hearing those words it makes me weak And I never wanna say goodbye But girl you make it hard to be faithful With the lips of an angel_

"Elliot!" He smiled when he heard he answer he couldn't help him self.

"Yeah honey its me." Kathy sighed in relief on the other end.  
"I thought I woke Liv up, I was about to say one of the kids were sick."

"Don't worry we've done been over this, Liv can't hear my phone ring in the other room I just have to make sure I don't fall asleep till you call."

Olivia walked out on the front porch, "Oh I can't!"

Elliot dropped the phone when he heard her voice behind him. "Liv."

"Don't Liv me, Get your stuff and get out you can go live with Kathy!"

Elliot felt his heart break into a million pieces. He followed Liv into the house as tears rolled down his cheeks. Leaving the cell phone on the porch, when he walked into the bed room Olivia was throwing all of his cloths on to the bed.

"Olivia!"

"No I mean it Elliot get out!" Liv started crying and threw some of his cloths at him. "Just go!"

_It's really good to hear your voice saying my name It sounds so sweet Coming from the lips of an angel Hearing those words it makes me weak And I never wanna say goodbye But girl you make it hard to be faithful With the lips of an angel (And I never wanna say goodbye)  
But girl you make it hard to be faithful With the lips of an angel honey why you calling me so late?_


	9. Chapter 9:Colors

**Disclaimer: I do not own Law and order: SVU or any of its Characters I just play around with them a bit.**

**Crossfade- Colors **

Elliot looked over at Olivia, They all could tell something had been bothering her but when they asked about it she would just say nothing or nothing I can't handle. She stopped talking about her problems and soon stopped talking to everyone about anything but the job. She always seemed to be sad or upset about something but she would never talk to anyone about it.

She seemed to not want anything to do with anyone. She also seemed a little spaced out at work. Everyone was worried about her but she wouldn't let anyone help her. Every time they tried she would just smile and say that everything was okay and thank them for caring.

No one had ever seen her as distant, and sad as she had been for the last month and a half. She never smiled anymore accept for when she was trying to convince them she was okay, she didn't even smiles when they won their cases anymore. She even acted like she didn't even want to work anymore. She would come to work late and her mind would wonder while Elliot was trying to run something by her to see what she thought.

Cragen was close to having to suspend her. He didn't want to but it was coming to that. When ever he would try to tell her he was there if she needed to talk she would just smile and say I know but she would never talk to him. She acted like she wanted to be suspended.

_Can you feel it crush you?_

_Does it seem to bring the worst in you out?_

_There's no running away from these things that hold you down_

_Do they complicate you because they make you feel like this?_

_Of all the colors that you've shined this is surely not your best_

_But you should know these colors that you're shine are..._

_Surely not the best colors that you shine_

_Surely not the best colors that you shine_

They all knew she didn't like to talk about her problems but she never let them affect her job until now. Olivia stood up and walked into Cragen's office. She shut the door behind her and walked over to his desk.

"Cap, Can I have a few days off?"

Cragen looked at her concerned. "Is everything alright Liv?"

"Yeah everything's fine I just need a few days off I haven't been sleeping well so I thought I would try to get some sleep and maybe go visit some old friends."

Cragen nodded he knew she was lying to him. It hurt him to think that she didn't feel comfortable talking to him or anyone else on the squad, but he knew if he didn't give her the days off she would leave and probably not come back.

"Sure, come back on Monday if you need more time just call and let me know."

She smiled "Thanks cap."

Olivia stood up to leave. "Olivia, the offer still stands if you ever need to talk I'm here."

Olivia smiled then nodded. She opened the door to his office and walked out. She walked over to her desk and grabbed her purse then walked towards the door. Elliot was confused about what she was doing and where she was going he turned around in his chair.

"Liv, where are you going?"

She ignored his question and walked out of the squad room. She started crying as she walked to her car. She got in and started to drive home.

_I know you feel alone, yeah, and no one else can figure you out_

_But don't you ever turn away from the ones that help you down?_

_Well they'd love to save you. Don't you know they love to see you_

_smile?_

_But these colors that you've shined are surely not your style…_

_But you should know these colors that you're shine are..._

_Surely not the best colors that you shine_

_Surely not the best colors that you shine_

She walked into her apartment and shut and locked the door. She felt so alone and lost. She felt like she didn't deserve the love she had from her co-workers or their concern. She didn't know what to do, she put on some sweats and sat down on her couch and started crying again.

She felt like her whole world was falling apart and there was no one there to save her from falling apart with it. She pulled her knees up to her chest and laid her head on her knees she looked down at the picture on her end table. It was a picture of her and the rest of the squad at the company picnic.

She slightly smiled, She missed the feeling of having them around and being able to joke around with them and be able to talk to them without feeling guilty for lying to them for the last few months but she couldn't tell them. She couldn't have them looking at her like she was already dead.

She was diagnosed with brain cancer and the doctors said that it was terminal. She had six months left to live. Everything that seemed important to her before didn't matter to her. She wanted to tell everyone but she was scared on what they would say and they would change the way they acted around her.

_I know you're feeling like you're lost_

_But you should know these colors that you're shinin are_

_I know you're feeling like you're lost,_

_You feel you've drifted way too far_

_Did you know these colors that you're shinin' are_

_Surely not the best colors that you shine_

_Surely not the best colors that you shine_

Olivia stood up and walked into her bathroom and stared at her self in the mirror. She tried to think of a way to tell everyone but couldn't think of a way to tell them without having to explain why she didn't tell them when she first found out. She grabbed a razor blade off the sink. She figured that it would be easier for her to kill her self then to try to explain she was dieing from brain cancer.

She slid the razor across her wrist and slid down the wall as she watched the blood pour out. It hurt for a few seconds but then the pain went away. She felt weaker and weaker as more blood fail out of her wrist. She didn't see any other way out.

_Surely not the best.._

_(I know you're feeling like you're lost)_

_Colors that you shine.._

_(but you should know these colors that you're shining are)_

_Surely not the best.._

_(I know you're feeling like you're lost you feel you think you've drifted way too_

_far)_

_Did you know these colors that you're shinin' are.._

Elliot walked up to Olivia's door and knocked He had seen her car out front but there was no answer from inside. He knocked again and waited for an answer.

"Liv, its me please let me in……Liv…"

He felt on top of the door frame and got the extra key he unlocked the door and walked in. He went from room to room looking for her. He heard a noise come from inside the bathroom. He knocked on the door as he slightly opened it. He saw Olivia sitting on the floor.

"Liv….."

He opened the door up farther and seen the blood he slammed the door open and ran up too Olivia. He grabbed a towel and put in on her wrist. He shook her trying to wake her up. She opened her eyes a little and looked at Elliot.

"El…" She whispered.

Elliot smiled and nodded. "Yea, I'm going to get you some help okay?"

Elliot picked up his cell phone and began calling 911.

"Elliot no.." Elliot stopped dialing and looked up at her,

"What ever it is I can help you, you don't have to die…."

"Yes I do! It's either now or six months from now. Please just let me die."

Elliot started crying and shook his head. "I can't do that Liv!"

"Please Elliot, its better then dieing of brain cancer. The doctor said the last three months would feel like my brain is being cut out. I don't want to die like that."

"Liv, We need you. I need you."

"You will be alright so will everyone else. I love you guys more then anything but I don't want to die like that I want to die now. I don't feel any pain, It's better this way."

Elliot shook his head no. "Liv, I can't just let you die!"

Olivia moved Elliot's hand off of her wrist and moved the towel. "It's not your choice, it's mine. El I want you to know before I die that I love you I always have, tell everyone at work that I love them and I don't want them to cry over me. You guys made my life complete you guys were the family I never had and I am so thankful for that…."

A few seconds later she passed away Elliot lifted her body into his arms and cried. He kissed his forehead and finished calling 911. He held her in his arms until the medical examiner got there and put her body in a body bag. On the way home he thought about how everyday was going to be different and how much she was going to be missed.


	10. Chapter 10:Cold but I'm still here

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the SVU Characters pr the show it's self I just play around with it a little bit. Also I do not own the band or the song nor am I in the band I just like the song a lot. **

**A/N: This is the first song fic I used back flashes on…..at least I think it is so anyways to the point everything that is in italic's and underlined is the back flash and the things that are not under lined and centerd is the song. Also this is my favorite song at least until I find one that I like better. It's a great song and I thought it would make a good song fic. I hope you agree at least a little with me well anyways here it is and I hope you guys enjoy this new update.**

**Evans Blue- Cold (but I'm still here)**

Elliot sat down on the steps of his front porch and looked up at the night sky. He went out there when he needed to think and release stress but he wasn't so sure it would help that night. He had so much on his mind that he didn't think anything could ease his mind from running in circles asking the same questions over and over until it was all he could think about.

He couldn't figure out what went wrong or how it went wrong. Nothing about his situation made sense and the way things were going he wasn't sure they ever would. He tried to replay everything that happened back in his mind looking for any clues that could help him but there wasn't any for him to find. He was stuck wondering what happened and the only one who could tell him was Olivia.

_Olivia sat down on Elliot's couch and smiled at him as she handed him a beer. It seemed like it had been forever since the last time they had just sat down together and talked. She missed it more then anything._

_She didn't mind not working at the unit anymore. It gave her time away from all of the horrible crime scenes and the pain of having to put the victim threw hell just to make their chase._

_She missed him; more then she'd like too admit even to her self. She missed everything about him, the way he always made her feel like she was safe, the way he always knew what to say to make her smile, and the way she always knew that no matter what rules she broke he would always stand behind her. _

_She loved him more then she ever loved anyone. She tried to tell her self that it was just as friends, but after his divorce she wasn't able to convince her self that she only cared for him as a friend anymore. The more she realized that the harder it was for her to hide it from him. He could sense she was hiding something and was always asking her about it but she would just tell him not to worry about it and change the subject._

_She never wanted her feelings to come out. She never wanted him to know, she knew that she'd just end up hurting him in the end. She couldn't let her self do it, not to him he meant more to her then her own life. She didn't want to risk losing him forever. _

_Hello, I'm your martyr, will you be my gangster  
can you feel my trigger hand, moving further down your back  
when you hide, hide inside that body  
but just remember that when I touch you  
the more you shake, the more you give away_

_Elliot looked up at Olivia as he took a drink from his beer. He could tell she was hiding something from him. He knew her better then he knew his self. He could tell how she was feeling just by looking into her eyes. No matter how hard she tried to hide it the guilt and pain showed threw, He wished she would tell him but the harder he tried the more she pushed him away and closed him out. _

_Every time it seemed like he was able to get close to her she would close her self off to him. Until she felt it she was at a safe enough distance from him to feel comfortable. It scared him every time she started pushing him away, he always feared that one day she wouldn't let him back in and it would ruin everything they had, everything they could have. _

_He smiled at her and sat his beer down on the table. He wanted to ask her what she was hiding but he felt that if he did she would say she had to go. He missed her to much to let her leave now. He never wanted her to leave ever, if he had his choice about it they would be together twenty four/ Seven. _

_She looked at him and smiled playfully. "What?" _

_He smiled and shook his head. "Nothing." _

"_It's never nothing with you El." _

"_It's nothing don't worry about it Liv."_

_She smiled at the fact he was using one of the lines she used on him a million times before. She smiled and began to stand up._

"_Fine I will just leave you to worry about nothing alone." _

_Elliot reached up and grabbed her arm and pulled her back down on the couch beside him. He smiled over at her playfully._

"_You're not getting off that easy. We still have a lot to talk about." _

"_Oh we do?" _

_He nodded and smiled at her. "Of course we do."_

"_Like what?" _

"_This." _

_He leaned over and kissed her hoping she wouldn't hate him because of it. She was shocked and tried to resist kissing him back but she couldn't she wasn't strong enough to fight threw he feelings, not this time. She reached up and gently rubbed his cheek with her hand. He wrapped his arm around her back and pulled her over closer to him as he deepened the kiss. She felt like everything just disappeared and the only ones who mattered were them._

_(Cold,) but I'm still here,(blind), 'cause I'm so blind, say never  
we're far from comfortable this time  
(cold,) now we're so cold, (mine,) and you're not mine, say never  
we're far from obvious this time_

_But then the fear came back, She knew if she let him get to close she would hurt him and kissing him only made that fear grow. She wouldn't be able to live with her self if she had hurt the one person that ever cared about her. The one person that kept her strong threw the worst times of her life._

_She knew in her heart that if he hadn't been there for her she would have given up on life a long time ago, but he kept strong and stable. He was the glue that held her messed up life together. She pulled away from him and looked down, she didn't want to look at him. She didn't want to see how much she had hurt him. _

_He put his forehead to hers as he reached up with his hand and put it on the side of her neck. He gently rubbed her cheek with his thumb. "I'm sorry."_

_She heard the guilt in his voice. "You have nothing to be sorry about Elliot."_

_He slightly smiled and lifted up his head. He put his hand on her chin and lifted it until her eyes met his. "Really?"_

_She smiled and nodded. He looked into her eyes searching for answers that he knew he would never find the answers to but he had to try. He wanted to know what she was thinking and how she felt but most of all he wanted to know what she wanted him to do. _

_wait, another minute here, time will kill us after all  
now can you feel its second hand wrapped around your neck  
so fall into my eyes and fall into my lies  
but don't you forget  
the more you turn away, the more I want you to stay_

_She saw the doubt in his eyes. She smiled and leaned in and kissed him. She couldn't fight it any longer. She couldn't stop the need she felt to be with him. She couldn't hide her feelings behind a fake smile anymore. He smiled as he kissed her back. She wrapped her arm around his neck and ran her fingers threw his hair. She felt his hand rub down he back and it sent chills up her spine._

_She forced the fears into the back of her mind allowing her self to feel safe and loved by the only person she ever wanted to feel that way by. She rubbed her other hand up his chest allowing it to rest on his collar bone. _

_He pulled her even closer to him, but he knew no matter how close she was to him it would never feel like it was close enough. He loved her more then he ever thought possible. He pulled away and smiled at her. _

_(cold,) but I'm still here, (blind,) 'cause I'm so blind, say never  
we're far from comfortable this time  
(cold,) now we're so cold, (mine,) and you're not mine, say never  
we're far from obvious this time_

"_I love you Liv, I have for a while now." _

_She smiled then looked down wondering if she should say it back. She knew she loved him but if she told him then she wouldn't be able to hide it anymore. She wouldn't be able to keep him at a safe distance from her to keep her self from hurting him. She knew she couldn't hide it much longer even if she tried her hardest he would still see past it. She looked back up at him and kissed him._

"_I love you too El."_

_She smiled and laid her head on his chest. He put his arm around her and kissed the top of her head. He gently rubbed her back with his hand as they talked about everything they had missed about each other until they both fail asleep. Olivia never wanted that feeling to end. The feeling of being with the one person that she wanted to be with for years. The feeling of loving someone knowing that they loved you just as much. _

_you're so endearing, you're so beautiful,  
well I don't look like they do, and I don't love like they do  
but I don't hate like they do  
am I ever on your mind?_

_Olivia woke up early the next morning. She knew she had to leave before he woke up. She didn't want to but she felt it would be best for him. She already told him how she felt it was only a matter of time before she hurt him just like she hurt everyone else that she loved and cared about. She hurt everyone she let get close to her and no matter how much she wanted to be with him she couldn't let him get hurt by her. _

_She sat up as slowly and quietly as possible. Once she was out of his arms she looked at him to make sure he was still asleep. She kissed his cheek as tears formed in her eyes. She stood up and grabbed her car keys and cell phone off of the coffee table and silently left. She cried all the way back to her apartment hoping she hadn't hurt him as much as she thought she did hoping in some way he would understand why she left even if he didn't know the reason. _

_Elliot woke up and looked around he was confused when he didn't feel Olivia in his arms. He looked around the apartment hoping that she had just went to the bathroom or was making coffee but he couldn't find her anywhere. He walked over to his phone and sat down on the couch as he dialed her cell phone number. It rang three times before the voice mail picked up._

_He hung up without leaving a message and called he house phone only to get the same results. He was hurt that she was avoiding him but more confused about why. She seemed happy the night before. She seemed like she wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with her. How could that change over night? How could she just ignore him after that?_

_(cold,) but I'm still here, (blind,) 'cause I'm so blind, say never  
we're far from comfortable this time  
(cold,) now we're so cold, (mine,) and you're not mine, say never  
we're far from obvious this time_

_Olivia sat in the dark and listened to the phone ring for the third time since she had been home. She tried to stop crying but she couldn't. She couldn't help but to feel like she lost the only good thing in her life. She glanced over at the caller ID. It was Elliot again._

_He had called three times since eight that morning. She thought he would just hang up and call back later but this time he decided to leave a message on her answering machine. _

"_Hey Liv, It's me. I'm worried about you. Nothing's changed since last night, I love you and I hope that you still love me. Just call me to let me know your alright please. You don't even have to explain why you left or why your avoiding me just let me know your okay."_

_She heard the answering machine beep as the message was ended. She could tell he was hurt just by the sound of his voice She buried her head into her pillow as more tears fail. She never thought that protecting someone she loved could hurt so much. She never thought that not being there with him would feel like her world was ending. _

_COLD, you broke me from the very first night  
I'd love you 'til the day that I die  
I'm far too comfortable this time  
COLD, I loved you from the very first night  
you broke me 'til the day that I die  
I'm far too obvious this time_

Elliot buried his face into his hands and sighed. He never thought that he would lose her for good but that's how it was looking to him. She hadn't returned any of his calls. She changed her message on the answering letting him know she was alright but she didn't say anything else.

He couldn't stand not knowing what he done to make her feel like she wasn't able to talk to him anymore. He couldn't understand any of it no matter how many times he thought about it, it never seemed to get any clearer. He heard a car pull up in his drive way and the turn off he looked up and saw Olivia getting out of the car.

He stood up and walked down the steps even more confused then he was before. He saw that she was crying he walked over to her at worry began taking over. Before he could ask if she was alright she nearly tackled him in a hug. He hugged her back and rubbed her back with his hand.

"Are you alright?" He asked softly.

She nodded and looked up at him as she whipped the tears away. "I'm so sorry I left this morning I didn't want to hurt you anymore then I already had. I thought I was protecting you from me but now I know that you are the only thing in my life that ever made it worth living. I love you so much Elliot."

He smiled and hugged her tighter. "You don't ever have to worry about protecting me; I'm not scared that you're going to hurt me Liv. I know you, I know you wouldn't hurt anyone if you could help it. I love you very much. I don't want to lose you." She nodded and looked up at him.

He smiled and kissed her gently. He whipped the last few tears from her cheeks as he led her inside. She finally felt whole without the worry or fear haunting her. She finally felt safe to love without feeling guilt. She was finally able to be with the one person she loved all a long. _  
_


	11. Chapter 11:What hurts the most

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the SVU Characters pr the show it's self I just play around with it a little bit. Also I do not own the band or the song nor am I in the band I just like the song a lot. **

**Rascal Flatts- What hurts the most.**

Olivia sat on the couch of her empty apartment watching the rain fall down on to the city streets. Tears began to fall down her pale cheeks as the painful memories of that night flooded her mind until it was all she could think about. It was all she could see when she looked at her faint reflection in the foggy window panes.

It was like watching a movie with someone else having control of the remote, constantly rewinding and pausing it at the most horrifying parts. She felt completely lost and empty inside. She felt completely alone, something she hadn't felt since she started working with SVU, since she became best friends with Elliot.

_**I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while  
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
But that's not what gets me**_

_Olivia walked into Elliot's living room and looked at the Christmas tree. It was obvious that he put it up and decorated it by his self. The branches were gapped apart, there was a small batch of light on the front of the tree and the rest was spread out so much that you could barley see any of them. The ornaments were all at the top the star was leaning to the right. _

_She covered her mouth and bit down on her bottom lip. She was trying to keep Elliot from seeing that she was laughing but despite her attempts he could still tell that she was laughing. He stepped behind her and gabbed both of her arms. He held them down across her stomach and tried his best to look serious._

"_Are you laughing at my tree?" Elliot said playfully keeping her hands tightly held in his. _

_Olivia shook her head no while trying to avoid eye contact with him. "Nope it looks…great…Honestly…" _

_Elliot laughed a little. "Liv, have I ever told you how much you suck at lying."_

_She adjusted her body to where she could turn and look at him. She smiled playfully, "I'm not lying; it really does look good." _

"_Liv…"_

"_Fine, It looks good but…it does look a little pitiful…"_

_Elliot pretended to be shocked. He picked her up and playfully tossed her down on the couch. He sat down next to her and started tickling her sides. She tried to sit up to get away from him but he pushed her back down and continued to tickle her. She laughed and tried to get away. Finally she grabbed his hands with hers and held them both out to their side._

_She finished laughing and began smiling at him. "That's not fair, you're not ticklish! Plus you're the one that forced me into telling you the truth."_

_Elliot looked over at his tree and smiled. "It is kind of pitiful isn't it?" _

_Olive smiled and nodded. "Yeah…next time call me before you put it up and I will gladly come over and help you put it up…"_

"_Deal." _

_He smiled at her before standing up and walking into the kitchen. He grabbed two beers out of the refrigerator and walked back into the living room. He sat down on the couch and handed one of them over to her._

"_If we ever get into a fight, promise you'll shoot me before we stop being friends." Olivia smiled over at Elliot._

"_Only if you shoot me first." _

_He smiled back at her before looking back at his Christmas tree. He wanted to tell he loved her too much to shoot her but he was scared that it would make her feel uncomfortable around him. Elliot opened his beer and took a drink. He smiled at the Christmas tree. This was the first Christmas her spent without Kathy and the kids, and having Olivia there made it a little bit easier for him to deal with it._

_**What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do**_

_Elliot smiled over at Olivia as he turned on the TV and changed it to the first Christmas special he saw. She laid her head on the arm of the couch and pulled the small blanket off the back of the couch. She covered her legs lifted the blanket with her feet and laid it over his. She loved nights like this, she didn't understand why they didn't have them more often. _

_She hated spending nights alone at her apartment; it gave her time to look back on things that she'd rather leave in her past. When she was at his house he never gave her time to think about her past. They were always talking, drinking and watching movies. It made her feel a little less alone. _

_She watched the television screen for a few minutes before slowly drifting off to sleep. Elliot laid his head back against the couch and fell asleep shortly after she did._

_**It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' It  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still Harder  
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken**_

_When Elliot woke up his hand was laid across her waist and her head was laying on his lap. He smiled as he gently brushed her hair out of her face. She looked so peaceful and free from all the pain from her past. No matter how happy she was you could always see the smallest bit of sadness in her eyes. The only time there was no trace of sadness in her was when she was sleeping. _

_He wished that he could take all her sadness away even if only for a second just so she could feel pure happiness. He wished he could trade lives with her just so she could grow up without a drunk for a mother who hated her for her being raped. She was punished for something she had no control over, something that she couldn't have prevented._

_Elliot hated to wake her up but he knew she'd be more comfortable in his bed. He watched her for a few more moments trying to memorize every detail before he brought back the pain._

_**What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do**_

_Elliot gently shook Olivia's shoulder. "Liv…Liv…Wake up."_

_Olivia rubbed her eyes and looked up at him. She adjusted her self so that she was laying on her back and smiled at him. She looked down at her watch and noticed it was three in the morning. She groaned thinking of how the ride home was going to take forever. _

"_Hey El, Sorry I fail asleep." _

_Elliot smiled and brushed her cheek with his finger. "Don't be, It's too late for you to drive home why don't you stay the night here, we can wake up early tomorrow so you can go home and get ready for work." _

_Olivia smiled and nodded. "Thanks El." _

_Elliot helped Olivia sit up; he stood up and reached down for her hand. "Come on you can sleep in my bed tonight I will sleep on the couch."_

"_No Elliot I can't." _

"_Yes you can and you are, come on." _

_Elliot smiled as Olivia took his hand. Usually she would've continued to argue but she was obviously too tired to argue. Olivia pulled her self up and walked with Elliot towards his room. Elliot and Olivia heard car doors open outside his house. Elliot looked over at Olivia confused as he walked over to the window, Olivia followed behind him._

_Elliot seen four guys with guns all of them facing his house. "LIV GET DOWN!"_

_As Elliot turned the gun men started shooting. Elliot grabbed Olivia and shoved her to the floor. The gun shots seemed to take for ever to end. After Olivia heard the car tires the car doors shut and the car take off she finally noticed the pile of blood beside her. Olivia pushed her self off the ground and saw Elliot laying on the floor face down with a gun shot wound in his back._

"_Elliot." _

_She rushed over him and turned him over on his back. She put her fingers on his neck to check for a pulse. He had one but he wouldn't for long. Tears her face as she grabbed the phone from the table and dialed 911. She dropped the phone on the ground knowing they would trace the call. She pulled Elliot's body up onto her lap and covered the bullet hole on his chest with one of her hands. _

"_Elliot! Come on honey stay with me. Please everything is going to be okay, your going to be fine just open your eyes!" _

_She began sobbing when she got no response. She warped her arm around his body and hugged him. She rocked him back and forth._

"_El, Wake up sweetie please…Stay with me just a few more minutes the paramedics will be here soon…Please El, Please don't leave me, your kids need you! I need you! I love you more then anything please don't leave me."_

_**What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do**_

Olivia fell on her knees and began to sob. She couldn't believe he would leave her all alone. He was the only reason she wanted to wake up in the morning. No matter how much her past hurt her he somehow made all the pain go away when she was around him. He knew how to make her smile and make her forget even if it was just for a moment.

Olivia stood up and ran over to the wall. She screamed as she sobbed uncontrollably. She took her arm and ran it across the shelves hanging on the wall. Everything fell shattering as the hit the floor.

She ran threw the house knocking everything she could on to the floor. She finally stopped and fail back on her knees. She picked up a picture of her and Elliot from under the broken glass.

"Why did you leave me all alone? I needed you and you still left me!"

Her voice echoed through the apartment. She hugged the picture close to her chest and leaned forward so that her head was laying on the floor.

"I'm so sorry El, I'm sorry I couldn't save you."

**Two years later.**

Olivia sat down on her knees in front of his tombstone. She brushed the dried up leaves off and laid a single white rose on top of it. A few tears rolled down her cheeks.

"I love you El, I always will."

Olivia stood up and walked back towards her car. Everything from that night still haunted her, while she was awake and in her dreams. She would wake up screaming hoping that maybe just maybe he would be there to wrap his arms around her and tell her every things going to be alright but she knew that it was never going to happen. He was never going to be there to comfort her; he was never going to be able to tell her that everything will be alright and that he was there for her.

_**Not seeing that loving you  
That's what I was trying to do**_

**A/N: I'm so sorry for writing this but its been stuck in my head for weeks now. So please don't kill me. **


	12. Chapter 12:Wait for me

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the SVU Characters pr the show it's self I just play around with it a little bit. Also I do not own the band or the song.**

**A/N: The way I ended the second song fic has been bugging me since I wrote it so I finally gave in and wrote a short ending to it. It takes place a week after far away, I hope you enjoy!

* * *

**

**Flaw-Wait for me.**

Elliot placed the last few objects from his desk into the card board box. He couldn't stand working with her any longer not after that night. He tried to push his emotions away and ignore his feelings for her but he couldn't. It had been a week since she switched partners, since she left him heartbroken.

They hadn't even spoken to each other since that night unless it was about the job and even then it was rare. Every time he seen her it hurt him so much that he just wanted to scream but he held it in until now; until he couldn't stand it any longer.

He never wanted to hurt her. He never meant for it to turn out this way. He spike without thinking and regretted it every second of everyday. He pushed her away until she finally broke; until she finally seen that having him as a partner and as a friend wasn't worth the pain that came with it.

_All these miles, haunting questions linger in my mind._

_And all the while, making bad decisions out of line._

_Still I've tried, to let go of the danger in my life._

_It's alright, when that's the only thing I've left behind._

_And there's still time..._

He looked at her one last time; trying to memorize how it felt to have her around. To have her care enough about him that she would risk her life just to save his. The pain in her eyes reminded him of how much he took her for granted. How he never really appreciated her until she was gone.

He looked down for a brief second before he picked up the box and walked out of the precinct and out of her life forever. She was the only thing that kept him going and now that he didn't even have her there was no reason for him to live.

Kathy and the kids hated him for not being around and Olivia hated him because he was around. Everything he done hurt the ones he cared about the most even when he tried his hardest not to. It was almost as if he was cursed and everyone he cared about had to suffer the consequences.

_Wait for me. There's so much more of life for us to see._

_You must believe, it's not because of you I've had to leave._

_Wait for me. I only hope that you'll remember me._

_Just hold on a little bit longer._

_Thoughts and memories will be enough_

_My need for you is only growing stronger._

_I know you don't understand it much._

He walked into his one bed room house and tossed the box on to the floor. He walked into his kitchen and grabbed a beer out of the fridge and made his way to his couch. He fell down on it and opened the beer and took a long drink.

He sighed and sat the beer down on the end table. He laid his head back and starred up at the ceiling. A few stray tears fell down the side of his face and on to the couch. He thought that if he left that it would ease the pain and eventually go away but knowing that he was never going to see her again just made it worst.

It made it unbearable. He knew that the pain was never going to go away. It would always be there stabbing knifes through his heart until he finally stopped it from beating; until he stopped the pain and stopped the voices in his head that were constantly reminding him that he hurt her in the worst possible way.

_But it doesn't mean I have to care about you any less_

_It doesn't have a thing to do with that._

_There's still so many questions that are gonna' be addressed_

_I'm sorry that it had to be like this._

_But there's still time to make things right._

He took another long drink from his beer and tossed the bottle on the floor. The loud bang echoed threw the empty house reminding him he was alone. He couldn't believe that he was sitting there contemplating suicide when everything he believed was against it.

He wasn't even sure what to believe in anymore. His whole life had been shredded apart piece by piece until there was nothing left. He lost his family, his best friend and his job; he lost everything that mattered to him.

He heard a light knock on his front door followed by an even louder knock when he ignored it. He moaned in misery and stood up and walked to the front door. He opened it and was shocked when he seen Olivia standing on his door step. Her filled with tears and pain.

_Wait for me. There's so much more of life for us to see._

_You must believe, it's not because of you I've had to leave._

_Wait for me. I only hope that you'll remember me._

She looked down trying to find the right words to say. To explain to him how much it hurt for her not to be able to be around him and not to be able to tell him how she truly felt about him. The fear of being vulnerable almost consumed her but she fought it back with every inch of strength she had left.

"I can't…I can't loose you Elliot. I can't stand the thought of not being able to see you everyday and know that you care about me despite my past. I…I love you. The thought of loosing you kills me. It always has I've just been too stubborn and to scared to admit it."

She looked up at him searching for a response, for a small sign that told her that she hadn't lost him yet; that she hadn't broken him to the point of no return. Elliot smiled and put his hand on the side of her face. He took a couple steps towards her and put his forehead to hers.

He wrapped his arm around her waist as a few tears of joy escaped his eyes. "You will never loose me Liv; I love you too much to let go."

He pressed his lips against hers; she put her arm around his neck and put her hand on the side of his face. She deepened the kiss hoping that it would never have to end. Elliot pulled away and whipped the tears off her face.

"Thank you for saving me."

He pressed his lips against hers knowing that she would never know how much she really saved him that night

* * *

**A/N continued: After the recent chapters I thought I owed you guys a happy ending this time I hope you enjoyed it.**


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